Does it ever stop?

You know.

That stupid feeling that goes something like "am I ever going to be ____ enough"

you can insert words like:

cool
good
smart
thin
witty


The list goes on and on.

Today I was surprised to be reminded just how awkward I often feel.  Why do I still feel a need to be accepted by EVERYONE.  Those I feel the most need to be accepted by of course being my family.  It's odd how I can be very comfortable with "me" in new and unfamiliar settings, like our new ward or a new job or...well I don't have another example.  And then BLAM!  Somebody "rejects" ME...and it's not always in a big way or even a noticeable way, it just feels very obvious to me, that they don't want me...or my help or whatever it is I thought I had to offer.

As I reflected on this moment for a little while, feeling bummed to use a technical term, I realized that it's not always about ME....I know what you are thinking..DUH (another very technical term).

Often times I feel rejected when I offer "help" to someone and they don't utilize it...or want it.  It feels like a complete blast at who I am. Why do I take it so personally?  I don't take everyone's advice. 

Then I realized something about this one situation in particular that actually probably applies to a lot of those situations I find myself in.

You ready for this....

I CAN be helpful to the people I love and care for...yeah it's really that simple.  Okay not really.  BUT..there is hope.  You see, what I realized is that every time I question my "me"...Satan gains a little more power over me....and I am less able to be kind and loving and supportive.  Not just towards those that I care about, but also to myself.  I may not know exactly how those people need my help, but I know that if I trust in the Lord I will come across what I can do to help even if it appears to be by accident.

So here is what I will be trying to do in the future when I come across a similar situation....

1-don't judge
2-show love
3-give hugs
4-offer to help if they can think of a way I can
5-wait...

oh and ironically although #1 would appear to be the hardest (and it's truly a hard one)...#5 is what kills me! I'm a total control freak...it's so hard to have the courage to have some faith in that all things work out given time.

I have lots of ideas and thoughts on how I can be a better more Christlike person...and everyday I hope I can be reminded to keep trying harder...so today I'll work while I wait...

ya know..."Faith without works"....